April 16

The last 6 weeks have been very completely overwhelming. Let's see.

I flew out to CA the first friday of March and celebrated my mother's 75th birthday with her. My sister Carol and I hosted a surprise birthday party for her - well, Carol did all the work...all I had to do was get Mom out of the house Sat. morning and then keep her out until Carol called to tell me we could return. It was a complete surprise to Mom and the party dissolved her confusion about all her friends completely ignoring her birthday the week before. It was good that I went - so many people don't get to celebrate anything at all with their Moms.

When i returned to Indiana, my husband of 28 years told me he wanted a divorce. He just doesn't want to be married anymore. I was fully aware that we'd been drifting and just not connected to each other, for a variety of reasons. I just never thought he'd prefer walking away rather than trying to adjust our lives to our new circumstances. I hate the fact that we're being so typical...middle age crisis, empty nest syndrome, etc. I've always thought we had a better marriage than most - it has its problems, but are any marriages perfect?

He says he still loves me, he's just not IN love with me. And he wants to walk away before we hate each other. And I say that people in long term marriages fall in and fall out of love all the time...so I'd like to try to deal with our problems and make it as good as it used to be. But I just don't think he's got the energy for it...all his energy goes to his job and to his health concerns. It's kind of upsetting to realize he just doesn't want to find the energy for me. :(

So the past weeks have been full of mind set adjustments for me. I've retained a lawyer, I've started going through 28 years of possessions - the last 18 in our current house. He has set up a few appts this weekend with realtors. And sometimes, I find that I"m more upset about leaving the yard that i've worked on for 18 years than my marriage. and isn't that a telling statement?

The hardest day of all was April 4...Easter and my 28th wedding anniversary. Luckily, the kids all came home for the weekend. They colored eggs and yes, the Easter Bunny showed up early SUnday morning.

ANYWAY, I was lucky enough to be asked to play the flute for the pit band again this year. I've been immersed in Cinderella 4 nights a week for the past 3.. my days have been long, but it gave me something else to think about other than the death of my marriage.

Luckily, I'm familiar with the songs and the music just isn't that hard. And I know my limitations -= so what I don't want to play or don't THINK i want to play, i've given the part to the oboe! a junior in high school who plays so well it makes me want to be just like him when i grow up.

And next weekend? a wedding shower for my future daughter in law...and after that? decisions, decisions, and more decisions. And hopefully, yes, I can stay friends with the man who has been my best friend for 28 years...but who doesn't want that role anymore...